CHAPTER SEVEN

RECOVERY AND RELAPSE

Many consider continuous abstinence and recovery as note worthy and therefore synonymous, while relapsers are sort of pushed aside or worse yet, used as statistics that in no way give a true picture of the entire addiction pattern. We in the recovery program of Narcotics Anonymous have noted with some satisfaction that many of the relapsers, when again active intheir prime or substitute addiction, have dropped many of the parallel behaviors that characterized them in the past. This change alone is significant to us. Honesty of a kind has penetrated their character. Yet there are others completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society. Complete and continuous abstinence, however, is still the best ground for growth. In close association and identification with others in N.A. groups, our chances for recovery and complete freedom in a changing and creative form are enhanced a hundred fold.

Although all addicts are basically the same in kind, we do, as individuals, differ in degree of sickness and rate of recovery. There may be times when a relapse lays the ground work for complete freedom. At other times only by grim and obstinate willfulness to hang on to abstinence come hell or high water until a crisis passes, can that freedom be a achieved. An addict, who by any means can lose even for a time the need or desire to use, and has free choice over impulsive thinking and compulsive action, has reached a turning point that may be the decisive factor in his recovery.

The feeling of true independence and freedom hangs here at times in the balance. To step out alone and run our own lives again draws us, yet we seem to know that what we have has come from dependence on a Power greater than ourselves and the giving and receiving of help from others in acts of empathy. Many times in our recovery the old bugaboos will haunt us. Life may again become meaningless, monotonous and boring. We may tire mentally in repeating our new ideas and tire physically in our new activities, yet we know that if we fail to repeat them we will surely take up our old practices. We suspect that if we do not use what we have, we will lose what we have. These times are often the periods of our greatest growth. Our minds and bodies seem tired of it all, yet the dynamic forces of change or true conversion, deep within, may be working to give us the answers that alter our inner motivations and change our lives.  Quality and not quantity is the most important aspect of abstinence.

Emotional sobriety in reality is our goal, not mere physical abstinence. To improve ourselves takes effort and since there is no way in the world to graft a new idea on a closed mind, an opening must be made somehow. Since we can do this only for ourselves, we need to recognize two of our seemingly inherent enemies, apathy and procrastination. Our resistance to change seems built in and only a nuclear blast of some kind will bring about any alteration or initiate another course of action. A relapse may prove the charge for the demolition process. A relapse can do the job of awakening us to the necessity for vigorous personal action.

For us, to use is to die. We have seen addicts come to our Fellowship, try our program, stay clean for a period of time, only to drift gradually away. They lose contact with other recovering addicts and eventually return to active addiction. We have learned that to try is not enough; we must live the program. Although we know nothing about prevention of addiction, we have seen that through the determination to stay clean, working the Twelve Steps, reading this book and attending meetings on a regular basis, we can and will prevent relapse thus promoting recovery.  Many of us would have nowhere else to go if we could not trust our N.A. groups and members. We were no longer afraid to ask for help. How then did we lose our fear? At first we were both captivated and intimidated by the Fellowship. No longer comfortable with our using friends, we were not yet at home in meetings. Basically, we lost our fear through the experience of sharing. We share our fears with other addicts. The more we do this, the more our fear slips away. We accustom ourselves to sharing our problems no matter how angry, scared or hopeless we feel. It surprises us how often another addict has had a similar experience. Helping each other is a two-way street.

An important part of our recovery is the development of self-esteem. We had turned our lives and wills over to so many Powers greater than ourselves that it was hard to see how one more time would help anything.  Many of us did not come to our Fellowship with a sincere desire to stay clean. That came after the fog had lifted and after we realized that staying clean was possible. The first thing in recovery for which we felt gratitude was this clear state-of-mind. We encourage members to tell the truth to the best of their ability and recollection. We have been told that our primary aim should be to tell the truth about our recoveries. Then, no matter what, we cannot be disputed. Our recovery began when we accepted the truth another recovering addict shared with us. Even if we did not like it, we could trust it.

Trusting our feelings and trusting our fellow addicts in recovery are learning to live processes. It is worth the effort when many people-haters who come here can tell us that they now see the point in being nice to someone, of showing compassion for someone other than themselves. When we found out that we all hurt at times we became aware that it is O.K. to hurt and to make mistakes while clean. We become trusting of people with whom we are only mildly acquainted if we sense their sincere desire not to usea desire found in N.A. Fellowship.

Addicts must patiently re-learn things forgotten and learn how to live. This is what Narcotics Anonymous is about. It is about people who can care about a desperate, dying addict and who can, in time, teach him how to care and love also. It is beautiful! In recovery it is perfectly all right for us to get in touch with our emotions. We will not flip out or make our fellow N.A.'s mad at us. We eventually make a one hundred eighty degree turn in growth and in dealing with our emotions. Addiction is a feeling disease.

Recovery is more than just staying clean. Living by spiritual principles outlined in the Steps, many clean addicts become useful and productive citizens. At meetings we are repeatedly convinced that recovering addicts are among the most sensitive, responsive and loving people in society. On going recovery demands more. We must change radically. If we are to continue abstinence we must be responsible and productive, not necessarily in terms of normal definitions, but in terms of spiritual principles. We must grow. Most of us recover physically, reasonably soon. We feel better, look better and act better. Time required for mental recovery varies. Some of us have done extensive damage to ourselves. Others procrastinate on the Fourth through Ninth Steps which help us change our thinking and personalities.

Many have found that our sick mental processes change very slowly through repeated practice of new unfamiliar principles. Some of us seem to return to nearly normal mental activity soon after adopting a Twelve Step program of daily living. Spiritual growth is more difficult for most of us. Just the fact that we of all people strive for it so radical a change that many call it miraculous. Spirituality as a way of life for an addict seems a total contradiction. Many feel that they have  found what they were searching for in drugs through spirituality. By working the Steps we are relieved of our obsession to use and many gratefully  serve the Fellowship for this reason. Growth means change and we feel we must live on a spiritual basis in order to change. Spiritual maintenance usually means ongoing recovery. Spirituality is to isolation as recovery is to addiction.

From self-centered, angry, frightened isolated people, we become loving, sharing, self-assured spiritual parts of a greater whole. We changed from hopelessly helpless to hopefully helping. From liars, thieves and wards of the state to responsible productive members of society; these are the themes of character changes that take place in Narcotics Anonymous.

We remain honest to free ourselves from guilt. As we begin to function in society, our creative freedom helps us sort out priorities and do the most basic things first. Daily practice of the Twelve Step program enables us to change from what we were to what our Higher Power would have us become. Gradually, we learn to trust and depend on our Higher Power, however we understand it, and get to meetings so that other clean addicts can give us spiritual guidance. At first, we are overwhelmed by the miracles around us. We cry easily and find it safe to cry and express love and share all our emotions in the atmosphere of recovery found at N.A. meetings. The steps become our framework of daily change. Continuous abstinence requires spiritual growth which leads to emotional recovery in our lives.

Each day we stay clean by practicing the Steps in our lives, our chances of relapse decrease. Each of us is only one drug away from a painful

active addiction, but living our program through regular honest sharing in

the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous increases our chances for

uninterrupted clean time. Eventually, we become grateful for problems as

well as rewards. Learning to live through changes by practicing the

principles of the program helps insure our ongoing recovery. Often we find

that when the pain of growing is the strongest, we must give ourselves

time and remember that it, won't last. Complacency is the enemy of members with substantial clean time. We never fully recover. Guilt, remorse, fear, lust and pride may all become unbearable if we fail to invest ourselves totally in the program, no matter how much clean time we have. 

Many of us get clean in a protected atmosphere such as a rehabilitation center or recovery house. When re-entering the outside world we feel lost, confused and vulnerable. Going to meetings daily, or more often if possible, will reduce the shock of change. Meetings provide a safe place to share with others during this time. Many members whose recoveries have blessed them tell us that they continue to attend meetings on a daily basis even after several years of clean time.

Living clean for a period of time provides valuable experience working the program through many life changes. What we do repeatedly we find easier to do in times of stress. We respond and react differently to situations after a period of time in the program. It is suggested to us not to make any unnecessary major decisions in the early part of our recovery. When we work the program, we are living the Steps daily. This gives us experience in applying spiritual principles. The experience gained with time insures our ongoing recovery. We must use what we learn or we will lose it and probably relapse, no matter how long we have been clean.  We seek solutions rather than dilemmas. Productive means being clean, creative and loving today.

We wanted to be accepted and loved. As a newcomer, some of us traveled the same desperate road of loneliness and lack of recognition, and of hope.

We understand newcomers talk about drugs and the things that brought them to the Fellowship, because we have been there. Most addicts are able to accept this type of sharing even in the beginning. In time we have a new sense of strength that will give us the guidance we need in our own recoveries. The group we choose to be our home group will be like a spiritual savings account. The more we can invest in it through our care and sharing, the greater the dividends it will pay.

All of us who find the Fellowship and at least begin to work the Steps develop some kind of relationship with others. As we grow, we learn to overcome our tendency to run and hide our feelings. Learning to be totally honest about our feelings helps other people take us seriously. We find that when we come across honestly it seems to reach others better. Honesty takes practice and none of us profess to be perfect in this area.  Whenever we feel trapped or pressured, it takes great spiritual and emotional strength to be honest. Sharing our lives with others seems to keep us from feeling lonely. The Steps lead to the kind of honesty that can help us let others know and accept us.

We seek creativity through the spirit. The spirit dwells within all of us.  We need to understand that the spirit within each individual is the same. The action being that we the available resources of the spirit within ourselves. Some have tapped more than others. We need to create more soul searching within one another. This process is the creative action of the spirit. We listen to ourselves and others in order to recover and to stay on that path.

Lack of spiritual quality within our lives leads us down the path to relapse. This part of our recovery is the essence of the program.  Spiritual maintenance is indispensable if recovery is what we are after.  Diverting from the spirit in ourselves we utilize the negative consciousness that comes from within. Our life is the constant efforts of progressing in our spiritual consciousness. Stagnation or just plain old character defects which we re-cultivate rather than let go of sends us back to where these defects were conceived. The illness began sending us down for the last count. Unless spirituality is reunited with action in our lives, relapse is inevitable. Recovery may not again be possible, as this time we may die, many have. We must continue our spiritual maintenance or die.  In our daily lives, we are subject to emotional, mental environmental, intellectual, and spiritual relapses, causing us to become defenseless against the physical relapse of addiction.

As a disease, addiction is subject to relapse. Reverting to using is a physical relapse. Physical relapse is only a symptom. We are never forced into relapse. We are given a choice. Relapse is never an accident.  Our knowledge of addiction is not enough to stop us from using. When we were told in meetings we were flirting with relapse, we had to make a decision. We had reservations about anything which did not describe us to a tee and built these up until we thought we could use again.  Relapse is a sign we have had reservations in our program. We slighted our program and left loopholes in our daily lives. Aware of the pitfalls ahead, we trod blindly on in the belief we could make it on our own. If we continue to fall back into the illusion that drugs would make life easier.

We must not be ready yet. We believed that drugs would change us and forgot the changes would be fatal. Unless the illusion is shattered that we, in any way, can stop using on our own, we will use again. We took the opportunity to avoid several of our responsibilities, missing meetings, skipping work, neglecting Twelve Step work, and most important, we stopped asking for help. Growth in the program stopped. We could sense a change coming over us. Our ability to remain slightly open- minded was gone. We became angry and resentful toward anyone and everyone. We began to reject those who were close to us. We became genuinely sick of ourselves in a short time.

When a resentment or any other emotional relapse occurs, failure to practice the Steps can result in physical-relapse. Many of our newcomers

have difficulty coming into the Fellowship because they do not understand we have a disease called "addiction". We are deemed to see our past behavior as part of ourselves and not part of our disease.  As long as we preserve our clean time we enjoy the greatest possible advantage over our disease. For this we are grateful. The first thing to do is get clean. This makes the other stages of recovery possible. Learn that addiction is a disease. Try to forgive past behavior and realize it was caused by our disease. Go to meetings and study the program for your own personal growth.

Obsessiveness is really common to all the addicts we have met or heard of.  Our ego tells us we can do it on our own then loneliness and paranoia return. We find out we cannot do it on our own and things get worse. We really take the First Step, this time internally. There will be times, however, when we really feel like getting off. We want to run, we feel lousy, we need to be reminded of where we came from and that it will be worse this time. That is when we need the Fellowship most. We must then call our sponsor or make a meeting. Through such support we will find hope.  Others have felt the way we do and every drug addict is a prisoner in his or her own mind, condemned to slow execution by their own sense of guilt.

We hate to be wrong. It is hard to believe that now in our recovery somehow self-will leads us to make decisions based manipulation, ego, lust or false pride but it happens . . . often. Remember we don't recover overnight. When we realize that we have made a bad decision or bad judgment, we make an attempt to rationalize it. We become extreme in our self-righteous attempts to cover our tracks. We see all the places others go wrong and think that they caused the problem. As we prolong our admission of being wrong, we feel increasingly guilty. Living with guilt makes us more self-willed. We get sicker progressively. Eventually, we are shown that we must get honest or we will use again.

By this time, it is hard to know why we feel bad. We make a list of feelings and people and eventsan inventory.  Maybe we can see what's gone wrong in our recovery. We share this list with our sponsor or a spiritual advisor or an addict whose recovery we respect. We are counseled through shared experiences. We pray for willingness and humility and finally get honest about our mistaken judgment or bad decision. We tell those who were hurt that we were to blame, ask them to forgive us and make whatever amends necessary. Now we are in the solution again. We are working the program. It comes easier to work the program now. We think that the Tenth Step helps prevent relapse.  There is something in our self-destructive personalities that cries for failure. It permeates our total being"You do not deserve to succeed."

We have all experienced this and without the knowledge that we finally have earned the right to be responsible, respectable members of society. The manner in which we returned to our addiction is not important what is essential to each of us is that we have the choice not to continue. In fact the knowledge that we learn in N.A. plagues us as we try to continue in our self annihilation. God has been gracious to many of us who have relapsed by allowing us to return to the program and the people who truly love us as we are.

Those of us who have relapsed found the true progression of the disease that plagues us. To know and come to understand that there is a Power greater than ourselves desiring to have a relationship with us, in spite of our faults, comforts us all. We all have one common factor, the disease of addiction. When we look at this concept closely, we can see that using was just a symptom of our disease.

In N.A. spiritual principles, along with the Twelve Step blueprint of our program, and sharing with recovering addicts, first check our disease and with practice, develop our virtues. The disease will go with us to our graves, we are never cured.

Some of us reach a point of complacency in recovery. If we stay at this level for long, the recovery process ceases and we begin to backslide. Clean time in the program acts as insurance. If complacency is not acted upon the disease begins to manifest apparent symptoms in us. Denial returns along with obsession and compulsion. Soon we reach a point where we stand on the border line. Denial and the First Step conflict in our minds. If we let the obsession of using overcome us we are doomed to relapse. Only complete and total acceptance of the First Step can save us.  One of our biggest stumbling blocks in N.A. is unrealized expectations of ourselves and others. Relationships are a terribly painful area. We tend to fantasize and project images of what should happen. We pick ourselves apart and decide we are to blame if our fantasies are not fulfilled.

It seems the farthest thing from our minds is that we are powerless over other people. The old thinking and feelings of loneliness, despair, and helplessness and self pity creep in. Thoughts of sponsors, meetings, literature and all other positive input then leave the consciousness. We can stay clean by going to a meeting when we feel we do not want one or need one. Meetings are a healing source. Writing about what we want, what we are asking for and what we get and sharing this with our sponsor or another trusted person helps to work through those feelings, and letting others share with us about their experience gives us hope that it does get better. It seems that being powerless is a huge stumbling block. Whenever a situation arises for us to admit our powerlessness, we first look for ways to exert power against it. Exhausting these ways, we begin sharing with others and find hope. Attending meetings daily, living a day at a time, and reading the literature seems to send our mental attitude toward the positive. Willingness to try what has worked for others is vital.

Another stumbling block we should safeguard against is comparing ourselves to others who seem to have gone farther down the road of addiction.  For example, one member found himself locked behind the doors of a state mental institution. His earlier comparison to the other addicts was a failure on his part to see the progressive nature of his illness. Forms of this example and countless others support the fact that no matter how long we stay clean, whether it be one month or one year, once we begin to use again our illness picks up exactly as if we had never stopped. We are thrown right back into the old pattern of addiction.

Progression of recovery is a continuous journey uphill with loving effort.  Without love or effort we start the downhill run. The progression of the disease is an ongoing process, even during abstinence, no matter how long. When we forget this or the effort and tenacity it took us to get a period of time in our lives when we experienced freedom from within; ungratefulness sinks in and self-destructive behavior begins again. Unless recognition and action is taken immediately that fall will encompass our existence and then we are along for the ride. Our life needs an immediate upswing. Spirituality and sharing is the essence of our recovery. Keeping our illusion of reality rather than using the tools of the program and the people in the Fellowship will return us to isolation. This loneliness will kill us inside and the drugs which always come next may do the job completely. The symptoms and the feelings at the end of our using come back three fold. This impact is sure to drown us if we don't surrender ourselves to the program. Relapse can be the destructive force that kills us or leads us to the realization of who and what we are. The eventual misery of using is not worth the escape it might give us. To live is to use the necessities to attain life. To use is to die often in more ways than one. We have found this program at the right time or we would not have found it at all. N.A. and its principles are here to help us achieve quality in our lives. If we were worthless we wouldn't be alive.

Failure to accept the N.A. program and the full implications of our powerlessness has proven for many of us to be a fatal stumbling block in our recovery. Left with a shadow of doubt, the mind of a newcomer and even the old timer can prove to be the spark needed to set off the return of insanity and that first pill, fix, drink or toke. To safeguard against this fatal stumbling block we should develop a good understanding of the basic principles set down in the Steps of our recovery and apply them in our daily lives.

A young man picked up a white chip. Eager to learn of this new life, he very quickly became willing to do anything he could. He went to meetings, emptied ashtrays, made coffee, talked to people, all the things that help us to recover. Afraid, unable to let go of old ideas, still working to run the show" he found no answer to what he saw as his problem. Blinded by what he saw as important, unwilling to let go of the old familiar ways, he used again.  He took with him some of what he had learned and seen. The seed of recovery had been planted in him.

Although using for the next three years, he continued to stay in touch with a member, though not on a regular basis. This contact was enough to see that the member was leading a happy and contented life. As he looked at the members life, then his own, he found his own life lacking what the member's had: peace, serenity, joy and love; all of the things that he thought would make a truly happy, enjoyable life. After seven more years of misery, the young man came back. Six months in the program he leads a happy, enjoyable life. He has some of all the things that, to him, make a good life.

Life's flow takes place in this manner; we come here powerless and the power we seek comes to us through other people in the Fellowship if we can only reach out for it. Now in the Fellowship with clean time, we will want to keep ourselves surrounded by Fellow members who know us well and who we can count on in a pinch. N.A. is a fellowship of survival and one of the advantages of the Fellowship is that it places us in intimate regular contact with the very people who can most understand and help us in our quest for recovery. All the good ideas and intentions will not help us at all if we fail to put them into action. Reaching out is the beginning of the struggle that will make us free. It will break down the walls that imprison us. Our disease is one of isolation and honest sharing will free us to recover. Maybe there was a time when our defense mechanisms actually helped us survive, but who needs a raincoat when the sun has come out?

Slow down and live life. A cynic is someone who has been very disappointed. He does not hear until the heart decides to listen, then he can accept help. It is not shameful relapse. The real shame is in not coming back. Being thus humbled, we must express our need to those who are able to help we are grateful to have stayed clean long enough for the message of total abstinence to take hold. We are grateful that we were made so welcome at meetings that we felt comfortable going to one meeting a day for ninety days. Without staying clean and coming to all those meetings, we would surely have had a rougher time working the Steps. Just one fix, pill, drink or toke would have interrupted the process of recovery and cut us off from the Fellowship.

When someone returns to the Fellowship after a relapse we stress the importance of living just for today. The past is past. we can not change what has happened. What is important is to stay clean today. As long as we live today to the best of our ability and pursue adequacy not perfection, we can take pride in ourselves. We are doing the best we can for today and not living in the past. We can begin to live at peace with ourselves. We can stop being so hard on ourselves. This we have found to be the case; that we have been our own worst enemy, and fault for our failures was not in the stars but in ourselves.

We all find that the feeling we get from helping others motivates us to do better in our own lives. If we are hurting, and most of us do from time to time, we learn to ask for help. We find that pain shared is pain lessened. Members of the Fellowship take great pleasure in helping a relapser recover and have great insight and many useful suggestions to offer when asked. Recovery found in Narcotics Anonymous must come from within and no one gets clean for anyone but themselves.