CHAPTER ONE

WHO IS AN ADDICT?

Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. WE KNOW. Our whole life and thinking is centered in drugs in one form or another, the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. We use to live and live to use. Very simply an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a continuing and Progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions and death.

The user may be unaware that a problem exists until, for example, the drugs run out and they begin to feel the early stages of withdrawal. Or, they keep using but start to notice if they try to stop, that they are unable, or when using they have lost control over the amount. We admitted that we used drugs, but many of us did not think we had a problem.  As practicing addicts, we were keenly aware of the difference between right and wrong. Many of us were convinced that we were right and the world was wrong, and used this belief to justify our self-destructive behavior. Many of us developed a loser's point of view which enabled us to pursue our addiction without the restraints of concern about our well-being. Simply, the loser's point of view focuses on the negative in all things We realized that our record had not been good, but that was due to being in the wrong place at the wrong time, or so we thought. We were yet to realize that our "bad luck" was caused by situations we had placed ourselves in, through the As practicing addicts, we could really get down and if we experienced a periodic jolt of self-awareness, it seemed as if we were two people instead of one, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. We became capable of depravity - of betrayal to ourselves and to others. Temporarily clean, we ran around trying to get it all squared away before our next spree. Sometimes we could do this very well, but later it seemed less important, and at the same time, more impossible. After years of trying to make ourselves happy with cars, sex and dope, we were unhappy and less satisfied than when it all started.  Some of us first saw the effects of addiction in the people we were close to. We became very dependent on people to carry us emotionally through life. 

We were always left disappointed and hurt when they had other interests, other friends and loved ones. We regretted the past; we feared the future.  We were constantly searching for "the answer"searching for meaninglessness and purposelessness. While using, we lacked the ability to cope with day-today affairs. As our addiction caught up to us, we found ourselves in and out of hospitals, jails and institutions more and more. Because of these experiences, we began to realize how screwed up our lives really were. Drugs could no longer hide the pain. We just wanted an easy way out. Suicide was on many of our minds. Our suicide attempts were often feeble, and only helped to contribute to our feelings of worthlessness. Part of ourselves could see what was happening; another part would not accept it. We were caught in an illusion of "what if," "if only," and "just one more try." We remember going through a lot of pain and despair before considering the possible connection between drugs and our misery. We had used all sorts of drugs over the years and experienced numerous living problems as the result of our using and yet did not consider ourselves addicted. The problem was that most of the information available to us, before coming to the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous, came to us from misinformed people or others who also used heavily but did not consider themselves to be addicted.  We did not see ourselves as being addicted, as long as we could periodically stop using for a day, a week, or even a month or more. We looked at the stopping, not the using. Of course, as our addiction progressed, we thought of stopping less and less. Many of us had reached the point where we saw ourselves hopelessly deteriorating; by that time we asked ourselves, "Could it be the drugs?"

Things did not get bad for some of us, at least on the outside. We never considered ourselves addicts, although some of us have used, misused and abused drugs for half of our lives or more. The term "drug addict" conjured up visions of street crime, fear of the law, and needles. Our belief was that the drug addict lived in a skid-row environment. We could not be addicts since we could not fit into that picture. We looked at our differences rather than our sameness. Yet the things we had in common put us all in the same dimension the dimension of addiction.  Did we want to stop using and could we do it alone? What did we use and how did we use it? Did we "con" doctors for prescriptions, telling ourselves that it was O.K- to use these drugs because they were legal? Did we have more than one prescription being filled at the same time by different doctors? Did we need something to help us get going in the morning, or something to slow us down at night? Were we using illegal drugs and thinking there was nothing that could be done to kick the habit? Were we in trouble with friends, family, and/or the law because of drug-related incidents?  Something inside said, "No more."

We had begun to have silent thoughts that maybe the dope was killing us. In a rare moment of clarity, we were able to look at the whole scene in all its insanity. We realized that drugs were enslaving us instead of setting us free. We were prisoners in our own mind, condemned to slow execution by our own sense of guilt. We had all but given up on ever getting help. Our previous attempts to stay clean had always failed causing us many years of pain and misery.  Our futures appeared hopeless until we found clean addicts who were willing to share. In the Fellowship of N.A., the desire to stop using was all that we needed in the beginning. Our recovery began with our first admission that needed help. Denial of our addiction is what kept us sick and honest admission of our addiction enabled us to stop using. we were able to open up and ask for help by attending meetings. We went to meetings and heard people sharing their feelings and realized that we had felt those feelings ourselves. We were no longer alone. People told us they were addicts and that they were recovering. If they could do it, so could we. We feel from our experience that each individual has to answer the question, "Am I an addict?"

We began to accept ourselves as addicts when we made the connection between our drug use and our problems. We see many differences between us, but more importantly, we see similarities. The differing definitions of addiction are based on our "research" and personal experience. It is not surprising that there are many areas of honest disagreement in defining addiction. Some definitions seem to fit the facts better than others. We know our own viewpoint, but need to listen to others in the hope that we might come to a better understanding of addiction and the addict.  Addiction is a contradiction to living. It is a state of mind which relies on convincing ourselves that drugs are necessary to maintain our sense of well-being. For us, an addict is a person who uses drugs, in any form, to the extent that the individual cannot live normally with or without them. On one hand we sought feelings of superiority, and on the other, we accepted the most intolerable existence on earth.

Some of the highs felt great, especially in the beginning, but the things we had to tolerate to support our habits reflected desperation. We sank to the depths of stealing, lying, prostituting ourselves, and cheating our friends.  We manipulated people and conditions and tried to control all of their actions. We failed to realize that the need for control sprang from the fear of losing control. This fear, based in part on past failures and disappointments, prevented us from making meaningful choices.  Our addiction involved more than drug use. It aggravated, our character defects and reinforced personality disorders. Failure and fear of failure began to invade every area of our lives as our addiction progressed. We, in the grip of a compulsion, were often forced to survive in any way we could, at all costs.

All through our usage we kept telling ourselves, "I can handle it." Maybe this was true in the beginning, but not now. We avoided people and places that did not condone our using. We spent our money on drugs, and if there was nothing left, we simply did not eat. We assumed everyone else was crazy, and that we were the only sane ones. The thought of running out of drugs left us with a sense of impending doom. Peace of mind was non- existent. The only relief was a comparatively short-lived "high." We had a distinct desire to consume drugs beyond our capacity to control them. Our using defied all rules of common sense. We not only had an abnormal craving for drugs, but we yielded to it at the worst possible times. We did not have sense enough to know when not to begin. We went through stages of dark despair and we were sure that there was something wrong with US. Other times, we were under the illusion that we had things under control. We came to hate ourselves for wasting the talents with which we had been endowed and for the trouble we were causing our families and others. Frequently, we indulged in self-pity and proclaimed that nothing could help us. When loaded, we had no concern for the rest of the world.

The mental aspect of addiction comes with our inability to deal with life on its own terms. We tried drugs and combinations of drugs in an effort to cope with a seemingly hostile world. We dreamed of finding the right medication or fix, the magic elixir, that would solve our ultimate problem -ourselves.  This reliance on drugs had harmed us emotionally. The fact is that we cannot successfully handle any mind-changing or mood- altering substance. The addict who only smoked pot or did non-narcotic drugs is in as much danger as the "junkie" Our thrills turned out to be a habit  which eventually turned on us, almost killing us. We no longer had an addiction; our addiction had us.  Drugs ceased to make us feel good. We could not get the euphoria we craved.

When we did seek help, we sought the absence of pain.  If you think you might have a drug problem, you probably do. Few of us set out to become addicted, because when we used, we thought we were in our normal state. We sought euphoria, the highest state of pleasure, at the outset of our addiction. In the final stages of our disease, we used to keep from getting sick. We used in order to survive because it was the only way of life that we knew.

Many of us fall into the old pattern of thinking-remembering only our "good" drug experiences; the fact that drugs could make us feel great. Such selective thinking can destroy our lives and our capacity to live.  Modern drug technology and media attention have made a social anti-hero of the addict. Since many of us were street addicts, we dealt in illicit drugs and lived criminally. This could have something to do with our being different. Many of us have participated in sub-cultural or bizarre behaviors that, may have given us different experiences than those of the non-addict.  The fact that those of us who have become addicted come from all levels of society is no guarantee that we will not end our addiction in jail or the graveyard. Miracles are performed everyday when the laws of nature are suspended. The most natural thing for an addict to do is to use. Everyday an addict does not use, a miracle happens. Yet an active addict's prognosis is poor.

Ironically, drugs can also drive addicts past normal human limits, often helping them to win great fame or recognition, until their obsession burns them out. The drug-induced state can allow a person to exclude normal background awareness and to focus on a single point. At first, this can be like a handy magnifying glass used at will. Later, it can become a horrible sequence of all-consuming bits and pieces that rush up continually until we find ourselves powerless to control what is happening. Prescription addicts are usually slow to recognize that they have a problem. Legal doses of prescribed medication can addict a person because of unknown side effects, combinations with other drugs or an inborn susceptibility to addiction. We could get high to relieve the pain of living, through the use of prescriptions, at school or at work. We found it difficult to face life so we used drugs as a means of escape.

Addiction isolated us from people except for the getting, using, and finding ways and means to get more. Hostile, resentful, self-centered and self-seeking we cut off all outside interests from our lives. Anything not completely familiar became alien and dangerous. Our world shrank and isolation became our life.

Non-addicts have great trouble understanding our dilemma. It is often nearly impossible to make sense of our behavior and the consuming drive to use, even after repeated and prolonged efforts to stay clean. Identification can guide us in our recovery, since we can see a little of ourselves in every addict. We thought of our addiction as hopeless before finding the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous.

Addiction is a treatable disease: as soon as we begin to "treat" our addiction by working the Twelve Steps that have worked repeatedly, we experience very positive results. When our addiction is treated as a crime or moral deficiency, we become rebellious and are driven deeper into our isolation.

Addicts who would otherwise waste away in institution very often respond to the love and fellowship offered in N.A. Ours is a proven program of recovery. We have no choice but to help one another, for the assurance and strength of our own recovery lies in the helping of other addicts.  The disease of addiction can also be seen in its social aspects. Addiction in its broadest sense is a disease of our times. It embraces all our social ills. Drug manufacture and the innovation of new drugs in modern times have created an availability of potentially addictive drugs never before known in the history of man. One of the ancient dreams of man seems to be coming true; the ability of modern drug technology to combat disease and alleviate human suffering. Hidden in this blessing, however, is a cruel reversal of effect which is our addiction. The innate susceptibility to our disease through genetic factors and complete knowledge of the sources of our behavioral inclinations is of no concern in our recovery through N.A. The "why" is not important; the "what to do" is our chief question.  We feel it is important to share our experience, strength and hope with others who may suffer from our disease, letting them know what they can do, if they desire to recover.

Although some of us have not been street addicts, many of us have, and we consider the street addict the most conspicuous and the most vulnerable to the more severe abuses resulting from the stigma with which addiction is branded. In many locations, street addicts are processed as habitual offenders when treatment of their disease could restore them to productive lives.

We continued to use time and time again, despite the symptoms of withdrawal.  There are many different symptoms of withdrawal from drugs. We can't list them all. We have, however, been addicted to thousands of drugs and know first hand how they feel and what the initial abstinence is like. In this, we can reassure each other and the newcomer that it will get better if they don't use. If we do use, in the face of withdrawal, the next time it will be worse.

Addiction is chronic, progressive and fatal. The cycle can be broken by not taking that first fix, pill, drink, or toke. Like other incurable diseases, addiction can be arrested. We agree that there is nothing shameful about being an addict provided we accept our dilemma and honestly take action. We are willing to admit without reservation that we are "allergic" to drugs. Common sense tells us that it would be insane to go back to the source of our "allergy." We, as recovering addicts, can tell you that medicine cannot "cure" our illness. We regained good physical health many times only to relapse. Our past records show that it is impossible for us, as addicts, to use with control, no matter how well we may appear to be in control of our feelings.

Social adjustments failed to bring about recovery. We thought a suitable job or social relationship could be the answer to our dilemma. Addiction, in its progression, causes us to flounder and fail, consuming us with anger and fear.

Higher mental and emotional functions, such as conscience and love, are sharply affected by our use of drugs. Our living skills may be reduced to the animal level, if we have suffered long enough. The person within is submerged and the capacity to be human is lost. This is an extreme state, but most of us have been there.

Learning to live without drugs is complicated by the fact that it is so hard for many of us to accept our disease. Again, susceptibility and availability have combined in the addict to form dependency. Many of the doctors among us came into the Fellowship with an attitude of denial. We have found in the progression of our addictions that we had been devastated by the disease to the point where denial was futile. Part of the risk run by society in keeping the lid on our addiction is the social stigma that keeps the addict who might seek help from seeking it because of a fear of never being able to live it down.

Addiction is the disease and Narcotics Anonymous is a proven path of on-going recovery. Our experience shows that those who keep coming to meetings regularly, stay clean. We continue in our recovery until we die. In our addiction, we practiced dying. In our recovery, we practice living today! We can feel, care, love and be loved. We no longer have to be isolated, and in time, can feel free to go anywhere and do almost anything except use. We do not use because we do not want to. Today we have a choice.  Many of us sought answers but failed to find any we could use until we found each other. Most of us have become grateful in the course of our recovery.  We have a disease that we can recover from. Our lives can return to being useful, in the course of our abstinence and through the working of the Twelve Steps of N.A., explained in this book. The use of any sort of medication may lead us back to active addiction. We must be careful when seeking treatment from any doctor not totally acquainted with our disease.  We strongly suggest to one another that we break our anonymity to the doctor administering drugs to us and trust that our medical records will be kept confidential. One of the danger zones in our recovery is that when we get ill and are prescribed legitimate medication, it may lead us back to our drug of choice. We call this relapse.

All too many times, doctors who meant well, but did not know of our disease, enabled our addictions. We cannot recover overnight and we cannot expect sincere physicians to review their options or methods of treatment overnight. Our place is to help the addict who still suffers, particularly those who are seeking help.

All of the psychological and social commentary ever written on this subject has failed to answer this question thoroughly. Rather than enter the area of medical theory and legalities, we feel that it is more worthwhile to discuss the answers we have found. Instead of concentrating on the problem, let's look at the solution.

Narcotics Anonymous concerns itself with recovery. We all know how to use drugs. We know the effect they have had on us. The primary thing we are interested in is how to stay clean, how to cope with life without using, how to handle unpleasant feelings and emotionsin other words, how to get better. It was conceivable in our addictive thinking that something would work for us without any work on our part. That was how the drugs worked. How wrong we were. It has been our experience that the program works as long as we work it, just for today, to the beat of our ability.  The mind begins to accept new ideas which lead to a new way of life as the grip of drugs and our past way of thinking and doing begins to relax. We find ourselves no longer pressed between those who use and those who don't in this new way of life. Our world constantly expands to include new associations and eventually we become members of society. Problems that had no solutions became transparent and unreal in the light of our new understanding. Old grudges and resentments fade as we loosen our sick point of view. A warm feeling of belonging replaces the hole in our gut left by our addictions. It is no accidentit's the way the program works. A miracle takes place as the drugs are washed from our bodies by daily abstinence and our minds begin to clear from the effects of our using. We come to understand that our recovery is a gift from a power greater than ourselves.  We are made aware of this gift in a thousand ways. This power wants only that we realize ourselves as much as possible. The longer we stay clean, the more we will want to clear away the shame and falseness of our lives. It is a great gift to be a human being.

What we have just been describing are some of the benefits involved in recovery. There is only one alternative to recovery and that is the progression of our disease. The progression of our addiction has been compared to an elevator that is always going down. We have found that we can get clean at any level we want. Unfortunately, the nature of our disease makes us abnormally susceptible to rationalizing our addiction instead of dealing with the fact. If you are an addict, you can find a new life through the program that would not otherwise be possible.  Many drugs require no extended period of use to trigger allergic reactions, although physical and mental tolerance can play a role. It is not how much we use that makes us addicts, but what it does to us. Certain things follow as usage continues.

Setting aside the physical effects of addiction, as the regularity of usage increases, we become accustomed to the state of mind common to addicts; we forget what it was like before we started using. We forget the social graces, acquire weird habits and mannerisms, forget how to work, forget how to express ourselves and show concern for others and we forget how to feel. We, as recovering addicts, have to relearn things forgotten and learn what we have missed.  We may lose jobs, get divorced, lose friends and find ourselves unable to account for these changes, as our disease progresses. Generally, our use of drugs increases with all these changes or during intervals between changes.  We can continue in this condition indefinitely, or as our using increases, progress rapidly in our addiction. If at any point we make the basic connection between our use of drugs and the way things have been going for us, we can begin recovery by admitting our need for help.  We addicts value personal freedom highly. Perhaps because we want it so much and experience it so seldom in the progression of our illness. Even in periods of abstinence, freedom is curtailed. We are never quite sure that our choice of action is based on a conscious desire for continued clean time or an unconscious wish is to return to using.

Our addiction developed in us an emotional instability. We became very sluggish or glum without drugs. Some of us felt we had to have drugs to deal with our feelings. We felt, as if our world was hollow, dull, meaningless; that there was no purpose to life but to use and to find ways and means to get more. Some of us eventually landed in the mental hospitals, fearing for our sanity. What we learned behind the walls of the various institutions was that the most sincere and constructive efforts of medicine and psychiatry had few answers for us that we could use in achieving ongoing recovery. We, in the later stages, are usually the very last to recognize our need for help. The principle of one addict helping another pyramids and the solution to our dilemma has begun.

We have also learned that there are few alternatives for the addict. If we continue to use, the problem will become progressively worse; we are on the path that leads to skid row, hospitals, jails, institutions or to an early grave. Incarceration and institutionalization sometimes led us to the realization that the drugs were letting us down. Where these drugs once had given us the feeling that we could handle what-ever situation that might come down, we became aware that these same drugs were largely responsible for our having gotten into our very worst predicaments. Some of us hit many institutions and few or no jails. Some of us may spend the rest of our lives in jail for a drug-related crime or a crime committed under the influence.  Addiction is a disease which manifested at an indeterminable point in our lives. Some recovering addicts believe that the disease was present long before the first pill, fix, drink or toke. Some of us believe that the disease is hereditary, due to parents, grandparents or other relatives who are addicted. How we got the disease, however, is of no immediate importance to us. What concerns us at present is how we can continue our own recovery while helping the addict who still suffers.

We have found through our experiences that addiction has three major phases, the first of which is practicing addiction. We were using in a manner which seemed to be social or at lest controllable with little indication of the disaster which the future held for us. This phase varies in duration from addict to addict. We have found that it is very difficult to help anyone in this phase.

At some point, our using became uncontrollable and definitely anti-social.  This phase of uncontrollable using is suffering addiction and usually began when things were going well and we were in situations that allowed us to use as frequently as we wanted. It is marked by a decline and usually the end of good living as we knew it. We went from a state of drugged success and well-being to complete spiritual, mental and emotional bankruptcy. This state of decline varies in length. We can only say that for some it was a matter of months or even days and for others it was a matter of years. We who are recovering and thus alive today, tried to moderate, substitute or even stop using. Those of us that did that did not seek to change died from the disease, went to prison, or were committed to mental institutions as hopelessly insane. Some of us who sought out changes were graced by the life force of the universe and found the N.A. program.  It was when we were suffering that we were willing to stop using. It was much easier to help suffering addicts when we were in the latter part of the suffering stage for it was easier for us to see the destruction, disaster and delusion of our using. Many times when the problems caused by drug usage were staring us in the face we could not see it as a problem, until we reached our bottoms.

The third major phase is in our recovery. We, as recovering addicts in the N.A. Fellowship, practice living and enjoying life on a day to day basis by living the Twelve Steps. We realize that we are never cured and carry the disease within us to the grave. We addicts, recovering in N.A., are convinced that there is only one way for us to live, and that is the N.A.  way. Due to our Fifth Tradition and Twelfth Step, our primary purpose in life is to stay clean by carrying the message to the addict who still suffers.

We can die from untreated addiction. But before we die, the disease takes from us our pride, our self-esteem, our families and loved ones. And finally, it takes our very will to live. We of Narcotics Anonymous were raised from hell to find that the program is a way of life. We know that a new life is laid out for us every day if we want it and don't use. A new place awaits us in the society that, during our using, offered only misgivings. We come to know success. We have found all this through dependence on a Power greater than ourselves, a group of our fellow addicts, and spiritual principles.