CHAPTER TEN

MORE WILL BE REVEALED

As our recoveries progressed, we became increasingly more aware of ourselves and our world. Our needs and wants our assets and liabilities were revealed to us. We came to realize that we had no power to change the outside world; we could only change ourselves. As recovering addicts, we found that without our drugs, we hurt. The program of Narcotics Anonymous provided an opportunity for us to relieve our pain by applying spiritual principles.

The N.A. program provides a healthy environment for growth. As a Fellowship, we love and cherish one another, supporting our new way of life together. We do this because of our common desire to stay clean. We are encouraged to work the Twelve Steps, practice the Twelve Traditions, go to meetings, get a sponsor, find a home group and ask for help.

We place principles before personalities. We work our own program and we do it for ourselves. The Steps are there for us to work and the people are there to help us. We use the tools of the program to shape our inner being. The slogans-. Just For Today; An Addict Alone Is In Bad Company; If It Works, Don't Fix It; The Lie Is Dead; Clean and Serene; are simple reminders we use to help keep us on the right track.

While using, we didn't know who we were, or where we were going. We

Were constantly being deceitful, lying to others and ourselves, and closing

people off. We came in knowing only what we didn't want. By coming to our first meeting, we admitted our ways of dealing with life didn't work.  Chemicals always had the last word. In other words, we were unable to deal with life on its own terms. Through working the program, we are rebuilding our disordered and fractured personalities.

Any addict is welcome regardless of their drug of choice. We cannot afford the luxury of arrogance in any form. Within the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous, there is no caste system relating to drug of choice. We believe that chemical dependency in any form is addiction and we encourage the addict to seek whatever recovery works best for them.  We found that forming sweeping opinions and generalizations with limited insight was dangerous. We found our own place in the world and took it.  The ability to accept our place and be grateful for it is very special. Many of us have had great opportunities in our lives but were faced with a baffling inability to accept them or make the most of them. We have found a safe and certain usefulness in our new way of life. The old rules no longer apply and we can live in peace and harmony.  Often it means simply listening to those hunches and intuitive feelings that we think would benefit others or ourselves and acting on them spontaneously. We are then able to make decisions based on principles that have real value to ourselves.

In N.A. we begin new lives, and we discovered a need for balance. Where we were excessive, we learned moderation; where we were weak, we grew strong. Balance comes to us gradually in ways we can accept. Sometimes these ways appear to be coincidental and we recognize them as the grace of God only in time. Coincidences are miracles in which God chooses to remain anonymous.

When we pray for something, we have spiritually prepared ourselves for the realization of our prayers. Knowledge of God's will for us guides us to make wise choices when we pray. If our Higher Power forced his goodness on us, we could never learn to distinguish good from bad, and enjoy the happiness of being a spiritual person.

As we grow, we become more aware of the key to willingness. Willingness lets us relax and do what we can, just for today, to improve our lives in any area. When we are unwilling, we have to fight and constantly deny the need for improvement. This attitude leads to ever greater problems. Today we have learned with God's help, to face each problem as it arises. God never gives us too much to handle in any twenty-four hour period.

We are grateful for open-mindedness. Open-mindedness opens the door for new ideas, from all areas in our lives. Through active listening we can hear things that will stay with us for the future. This ability is God-given and grows with us. Life takes on new meaning when we leave ourselves open to experience this gift. To be able to receive we must give and more importantly we have to receive in order to have something to give. Open-mindedness becomes an admirable quality for which we strive.  In recovery, we strive for an attitude of gratitude. We feel grateful for ongoing God-consciousness. Whenever we confront a difficulty that we do not think we can handle, we have learned to pray that God will do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.

Remember, we are all in this together. None of us are to good or too bad to improve. We are not here to get good; we are here to recover. Help is there only if we reach for it. We had only to get clean, open our minds and hearts to be free to live. Humility is a fact of ongoing recovery.  Watching others grow in recovery increases our capacity for tolerance towards members who seem to need growth in many areas. We learn that the principle of personality change will transform them from caterpillars to butterflies or allow us to see that they were butterflies all along. We have seen many areas of personal and seemingly permanent difficulties yield to the ongoing practice of doing what we can. When we do what we can, God takes care of the rest.

Surrender to the program of Narcotics Anonymous is an ongoing thing. In a sense the newcomer surrenders to the wisdom of those who have gone before and those with time clean surrender to the spirit and vitality of the new. The opportunity to witness recovery of a suffering addict is one of the greatest experiences this life has to offer us. We are always willing to help. We are willing to go anywhere at anytime to help the suffering addict.  Having been down the road, we understand the problems of a recovering addict. As we look back, we are grateful for the events in our lives that have brought us here.

We want constantly to remind the newcomer and ourselves that there are plenty of people ready and able to help. What recovering addicts want most is to feel good about themselves. If we become self-destructive, we die. Today we have real feelings of love, joy, hope, excitement sadness and friendshipnot the old drug induced feelings. We heard a man say, "Every time he lost faith in another human being, he died a little bit". The program is giving us so much belief that we want to live again. We have to surrender at each stage of recovery in this program. The only way to win a losing battle is to surrender.

For most of us, N.A. was our last hope. We were so afraid of being rejected here that we were reluctant to open up. We were all shocked to hear others speak openly of things we had done in our own past that were shameful, embarrassing and humiliating. In the beginning, we were all frightened to speak freely about ourselves. There is nothing between us but that first pill, fix, drink or toke. At one time we were not willing to seek help and were so close minded. Living in a world of insanity is difficult to understand for those who haven't experienced it. The old ideas and our addiction kept us from obtaining a new way of life and kept us deep in our addiction.

In time, we may find ourselves with old ideas on the program. Our roots of recovery are important, but in ongoing recovery we need to constantly review our feelings and thinking if we are to stay fresh and in touch with the growth of N.A. as a whole. This freshness may well be the key to ongoing recovery. We are each others eyes and ears; when we do something wrong, our fellow recovering addicts help us help ourselves by showing us what we cannot see.

When a newcomer admits his powerlessness, he opens himself up to the Fellowship. We are responsible for making him feel loved and supported. We all remember the painful feelings of guilt, remorse, shame and self-loathing. We can share our experience that these feelings were gradually removed by working the program.

We realize that we cannot do it alone. We begin to look at our brothers and sisters and become willing to do whatever is in our power to give them what we have. We have hope for we know that a better day is coming and we have love. Our Fellowship grows and keeps on growing like our belief in our Higher Power, we cherish this experience.  Life has many brick walls for us even though we are clean. If we can see these dead-end paths, we won't feel the need to pursue them. Some of our hopes and dreams made us self-destructive. We fell short of our goals.

We figured we were bad people if bad things happened to us. Other roadblocks in our path included our reluctance to pray, our laziness, and

un-worked Steps. There were a lot of people we did not see eye to eye with,

especially when our character defects and personality differences got in the

way. Some of us used this rationalization to stay away from the Fellowship and use. We were dying and could not stand being around people we thought were full of hypocrisy. The people in the Fellowship were staying clean and had a chance to change and grow. What chance did we have? How could we grow if we couldn't even stay clean? Some of these roadblocks led some of our fellow addicts to relapse. Unfortunately, some of them never returned. They were destined to die using.  In N.A. we have feelings we never dreamed of having. We are able to entertain ourselves today. We do things beyond our wildest imagining. Some of us take on new hobbies, join sports teams, become adventurous and do things we always wanted to do but couldn't because of drugs. Free from drugs, we can have good clean fun.

When we came into the Fellowship, one of our biggest reservations or fears was the thought of how boring life would be without drugs. Our fears were short-lived. We soon found that living clean was not only fun, but that it was excitingly simple.

Talking and sharing experiences with our fellow addicts was a pleasurable experience. The simple games and pleasures that life offers, which had been lost in our using days were rediscovered. Playing ball, going to parks, hiking, things we just didn't have time for when we were using. Being clean is anything but dull and boring.

By living clean we are giving up using. We are giving up the right to be close-minded, selfish, dishonest, hateful and generally unhappy. And what are we giving up all these precious things for? Simple, unconditional happiness. Having fun and being happy doesn't have to be searched for; it surrounds us.

It is all there. So just do it. Be clean, have fun and be happy.  In N.A. we do not mope around crying because we're addicts. As a matter of fact, it is seldom that we mope because there is always a friend around to lift our spirits. God has restored us to sanity but that does not mean we are boring or prudish. We are a group of life lovers and we used to try too hard to have fun. We exhausted ourselves trying to figure out what to do. Now it's very natural and spontaneous. We used to be afraid of going insanenow we enjoy ourselves. This is a big change from the wild parties we used to attend while we were using and the "fun" we used to have. It is important for us to have fun in our recovery without the dying. Many of us would not have continued in Narcotics Anonymous had we not been able to enjoy it.

Many newcomers are amazed by their first dance or party to find members laughing and dancing like high school kids. It helps break the ice of isolation. Many newcomers have the problem of their faces hurting from the unaccustomed smiling. A sense of renewal pervades conventions and get togethers which draw together members and old friends from different areas.  Complacency does not go with recovery. The deadly and insidious nature of our disease can disguise itself as boredom or superiority and generate the old "apart from" feelings. Separation from the atmosphere of recovery and the spirit of service to others slows our spiritual growth and can threaten relapse. This book is not the final answer to addiction. The Spirit of our Fellowship is constantly leading us into new awareness.

Recovery is a journey, not a goal. This is a life time school; our graduates get loaded. We have attempted to record a way of life which includes many addicts from many areas. Our program could not encompass so many types of addicts from differing backgrounds if not for the spiritual nature of our groups. The spiritual truths at the heart of our program do not change but the edges are constantly growing. On the practical level, adjustment occurs because what is appropriate to one phase of our growth may not fit an other.

Vigilance is required to maintain the atmosphere of recovery. As a small group grows in size from three members at the weekly meeting to three hundred. Concern and attention on the part of trusted servants is required at every meeting, group and service committee. Spiritual vigilance is required to apply our Twelve Traditions and to bring up at times the ties which bind us together. Complacency has no place in all this; openness, freedom, and spirit are the marks of recovery. It is this spirit which will guide our ongoing process as members and as a Fellowship. Ours is a message of the Spirit, not of words. Words can describe the process but not explain it completely.

Experience alone can make it real to us. Surrender to the disease begins our recovery, surrender to the basic mystery of recovery sustains it. No one we know understands the program totally and the program has defied reduction to formula by the most determined efforts of some of the most skilled rationalizers in the world. No sooner we make a breakthrough in terms of personal growth than we realize how much more we need to grow so that we may remain clean.

Our conceptions of fun have changed drastically since we surrendered to N.A. as a whole. We can enjoy simple things in life, like fellowship with other addicts, whereas we once isolated ourselves. This was especially true after we received help through N.A. and fellow addicts.

We enjoy sharing experiences, strength, and hope for we know that we can't keep what we have unless we give it away. Through N.A. and the Twelve Steps, we are able to grasp a new understanding of fun. We realize we don't have to create funwe just live it. It happens to us as a result of complete abstinence from all drugs. As we look back, we are grateful to enjoy life, because it's so unlike the events in our lives that brought us here. When we used, we thought we had fun and straight people were deprived of it. God helps us to live to the fullest, without forgetting who we are, and what our purpose is. We have learned how to love ourselves and others and not to be so afraid. We find that God usually grants us the ability to see the obvious. Since we've been clean, we have found joy doesn't come from material things but is within ourselves if sought. We find when we lose self-will we lead richer, happier and much more fun lives. When there are no longer conditions put on our lives, everything that we need is given to us in order to live today. We do not forget to live each day to its fullest, as a gift from our Higher Power, and just share, care, love, and live the N.A. way.

A day at a time we have no way of knowing what will happen to us. This is why we live in today. However, it has been very funny how things have worked out for us! We find that if we would have written a list of things that we wanted upon entering the program we would have been cheating ourselves.

It has been our experience that by clean living and working the Steps, our dreams have come true. We do not mean we became great leaders, champion race drivers or rock stars, though some of us may have. What we mean it that our deep inner dreams come true for us in recovery.  Things that we had given up hope on a long time ago come true. Like being happy most of the time or seeing ourselves succeed in some areas where we had failed miserably before.

In our experience, the Twelve Steps give us a way of life which does more than keep us off drugs. Not only is this way of life superior to the old using life, it is superior to any life that we can conceive. So, when we say that clean in the program is our dreams come true, we can speak from our experience. Before 1953, addicts did not recover except in special cases. They did not dream that recovery was even possible. We died, went insane and were locked up. Unfortunately, too many of us are being locked up still, and being killed by a disease. Our small population today numbers twenty thousand.

We have a much loved member who says to newcomers with a twinkle in his eye, "Just stick around and watch the miracles happen". And they will.  Deepening ties are even now being forged so that no addict need ever die seeking help. To us this is truly exciting. The possibility of being used as an instrument to save lives is exhilarating to us.  When times are hard for us in the Fellowship, we can ask our Higher Power, as we understand Him, to guide us as to what to do. He reveals Himself to us a little at a time.

In our recoveries we have witnessed God's healing powers take a dying addict and turn them into a new person with a new, totally different life. Things we never dreamed of become true. We find ourselves daring to care and love and with love, all things are possible. We find ourselves advancing as human beings along spiritual lines and doing a great service.  We get the very finest friends. These are some things many of us could not conceive of. Before, we thought in terms of self-centered materialism that could not possibly bring us happiness. Now we live with a new outlook, that of caring and sharing the N.A. way We are surrounded by like-minded addicts, who once were at the depths of misery and despair, and now serious about their own recovery and helping the suffering addict.

We are living and enjoying life without drugs. At times we look in the mirror and find it all so hard to believe. The great fact is that it's O.K. It does get better and we never have to be alone again.  We have, in recovery, experienced difficult times when we could not decide our next move. The truth has been revealed to us. In meditation we may concentrate on a dream of service for our fellow man and find that the rest is just willingness and foot work. More will be revealed. It takes work to uncover it but it is, we believe, the one thing worth working forTwelve Steps of recovery.

Today we are free from the obsession to use compulsively even when we are beaten. We are free to live as we see fit without drugs. The ability to accept God's will and feeling serene inside is freedom for us. Faith has replaced our fear and has given us a freedom from ourselves. Today we have the freedom of choice.

The program of N.A. is truly a program of freedom. N.A. has given us back the freedom that we lost when we turned to drugs in our search for freedom. We had believed that drugs were the answer. When we were under the control of our addictions we had given up all of our freedom to choosethe only choice left to us were jails, institutions or death. At last, with the help of the Fellowship and our Higher Power, we have regained our freedom.

When we first came to the program, many of us felt defeated, beaten and ashamed. As a newcomer it is sometimes hard to see that through our defeat and surrender we had regained some control of our lives once more.  Through our freedom we begin taking responsibility for our lives again. In our freedom we have found that our dreams come true, if we choose to make them happen.

Through the freedom in our lives we are finally able to see the special qualities that we possess as individualsqualities that we used to envy in others never realizing the potential within ourselves.