CHAPTER EIGHT

WE DO RECOVER

Although "Politics makes strange bedfellows", as the old saying goes, addiction makes us one of a kind. Our personal stories may vary in indivi-dual pattern but in the end we all have the same thing in common. This common illness or disorder is addiction. We know well the two things that makeup true addiction. Obsession and compulsion.  Obsessionthat fixed idea that takes us back time and time again to our particular drug or some substitute, to recapture the ease and comfort we once knew. Compulsionthat once having started the process with one "fix", one pill, or one drink, we cannot stop through our own power of will. Because of our physical sensitivity to drugs we are completely in the grip of a destructive power stronger than ourselves.

When at the end of the road we find that we can no longer function as a human being, either with or without drugs, we all face the same dilemma.  What is there left to do? There seems to be these alternatives: either go on as best we can to the bitter endsjails, institutions, or death; or find a new way to live. In years gone by, very few addicts ever had this last choice. Those who are addicted today, are more fortunate. For the first time in man's entire history, a simple way has been proving itself in the lives of many addicts. It is available to us all. This is a simple spiritual-not religiousprogram, known as Narcotics Anonymous.

When my addictions brought me to the point of complete powerlessness, uselessness, and surrender some twenty-six years ago, there was no N.A. I found A.A and in that Fellowship met addicts who had also found the program to be the answer to their problem. However, we knew that many were still going down the road to disillusion, degradation and death, because they were unable to identify with the alcoholic in A.A. Their identification was at the level of apparent symptoms and not at the deeper level of emotions or feelings, where empathy becomes a healing therapy for all addicted people.  With several other addicts and some members of A.A. who had great faith in us and the program, we formed, in July of 1953, what we now know as Narcotics Anonymous. We felt that now the addict would find from the start as much identification as each needed to convince himself that he could stay clean, by the example of others who had recovered for many years.  That this was what was principally needed, has proved itself in these passing years. That wordless language of recognition, belief and faith, which we call empathy, created the atmosphere in which we could feel time, touch reality and recognize spiritual values long lost to many of us. In our program of recovery we are growing in numbers and in strength. Never before have so many clean addicts, of their own choice and in free society, been able to meet where they please, to maintain their recovery in complete creative freedom.

Even addicts said it couldn't be done the way we had it planned. We believed in openly scheduled meetings, no more hiding as other groups had tried before by those who advocated long withdrawal from society. We felt that the sooner the addict could face his problem of everyday living, just that much faster would he become a real productive citizen. We eventually have to stand on our own feet and face life on its own terms, so why not from the start. Because of this, of course, many stayed and some came back after their setback. The brighter part, is the fact that those who are now our members, many have long terms of complete abstinence and are better able to help the newcomer. Their attitude, based on the spiritual values of our Steps, and Traditions, is the dynamic force that is bringing increase and unity to our program. Now we know that the time has come when the tired old lie, "Once an addict, always an addict", will no longer be tolerated by either society or the addict himself. We do recover! 

As long as there have been people, addiction has existed. Addiction is the obsession and to use compulsion. Modern technology has made available not only the drugs themselves, but also the stresses and demands that bring out the potential for addiction. In the past, there was no hope for an addict. Clean today, we come to see life in a new light. We confess to an addictive nature and we are no longer set apart by marked obsession, compulsion, and physical discomfort.  In sharing our past with others it seems that we all reached a point when we said to ourselves, "I'm lost, I just don't know what to do". We have all experienced that terrifying overwhelming urge, that need for something outside ourselves. In addiction we share a bond of fear, anxiety, and anger that we are unable to control.

What we have in common is what we have all felt: the loneliness, the self-centeredness, the misery, the despair, the pain within and the empty numbness that sets us apart from others. We all felt that we were unique, different, better than, or worse than, but always separate. We felt alone.  Our pain surrounded us We could not fill the empty place inside.  Earlier patterns are what got us into trouble. However anything that "works" to help us make it through a new day clean is considered a new pattern. Complete abstinence is the foundation for our new way of life.  Vigilance, integrity, honesty, open-mindedness and willingness to try, are all associated with strange new patterns to the newcomer and to clean addicts as well.

It all begins with that first surrender and admission. From that point forward, each addict is reminded that a day clean is a day won, and any failure is only a temporary set-back rather than a link in an unbreakable chain. Every addict is a prisoner in their own mind, condemned to slow execution by their own sense of guilt. This compels a person to act against their true inner nature and keep doing things they don't really want to do.

We weren't focused on the fulfillment of life, but on the emptiness and worthlessness of it all. We could not deal with success, so failure became a way of life. The fear of loss of control had set in and we were afraid to try anything different.

In Narcotics Anonymous, we are more concerned with recovery than the mysteries of addiction. We seek to change our personalities and our lives for the better. We realize that we are a part of the universe. In recovery, we change our reactions, thoughts, and attitudes. We begin to understand and accept who we are. This gives us a sense of security. We become less compulsive in our thoughts and actions.  The dishonesty in our actions has led to a large amount of guilt inside all of us. This guilt could drive us to use, and the using could keep us from going back and making amends. All these things together would cause misery. Being clean, we are able to take our inventories honestly. We can admit our faults and are able to ask for help.

We realize that an addict is going to resist recovery. Things we have shared with them interfere with their using. We put our trust in the group. If a person tells us that they can smoke pot and suffer no ill side effects, there are two ways we can look at it. The first possibility is that they are not an addict. The other is that the disease hasn't become apparent to them.

We always try to be careful because we don't want to say or do anything that might prevent them from seeking help when drugs turn on them.  We have found from our group experience that honesty is essential for the new member to surrender completely to the program. We have also found that complete surrender is the only way to recover. No addict has ever failed to recover who has surrendered completely to our program. This has proven itself time and time again by the phenomenal growth of Narcotics Anonymous throughout the world.

We have noticed as our program has grown that newcomers seem to come in with a false impression that needs to be corrected. In the instances that we are talking about, they seem to believe that they can barter non-usage for group acceptance. When the group fails to behave in accordance with the newcomer's expectations, they seem to feel it's O.K. to use. The sad thing about this is that it may take them a while to get the real message of our program. If they happen to be addicts, they can die never realizing that recovery is possible.

Some of us had thought of ourselves as outgoing, happy-go-lucky people, but we were wrong, and after years of depending on drugs and other people to make our decisions, we lost almost all ability to socialize and be comfortable with ourselves.

At the end of our using we were consumed with terror and despair. We knew for sure that we were dying and many of our friends were already dead.  No one can explain the incredible fact that addicts, hopeless in their addiction, can reach for and receive help in Narcotics Anonymous.  Over a period of years, old habit patterns become familiar, and many times the comfortable mode of existence. Our egos were blown out of proportion. We became uncomfortable due to the obsessive, nature of our disease. The old comfort associated with using was lost. Life was addiction, a lonely, miserable prison.

The way we understand insanity is poisoning one's self for no apparent reason. Compulsion or obsession drives addicts to the point that there were few things we would not do to obtain our drug. Insanity for us seems to occur in tragic cycles, much like Russian roulette. We are forced to play because we have tried and can't stop.

We know that we are powerless over an illness which is chronic, progressive and fatal. We cannot deal with the obsession and compulsion that comes with the disease. The only alternative is to stop using. When we are willing to follow this course and take advantage of the help available to us, a whole new life opens up.

Narcotics Anonymous is a spiritual, not a religious, program. The spiritual basis of the program is strong enough to support a person with the disease. As we reenter society, the Twelve Steps are the road map to a successful recovery. Every addict who is clean and without a compulsion to use is a miracle. To keep that miracle alive is an ongoing process of awareness. It is important for us to remember that not using is an abnormal state for us. We have to learn to live clean. We need to be honest with ourselves and think of both the negative and positive sides of things.

Decision making is a little rough at first. Sticking to and seeing that you have made the decision is the reward. Before we got clean, all our actions were guided by impulse. We seldom thought constructively, and even if we did, we would say, "the hell with it" and carry through with the negative anyway. It is better for us with practice and the help of our sponsors and N.A. friends.

We realize that we are responsible for the way we feel. We are no longer able to shift the blame, and we are aware that we create the world in which we live. We are products of our own thoughts.  We have found it essential to accept reality. Since that time we have not found it necessary to use.

Reality, as it is, is just fine with us. Without drugs we can function like normal human beings, which means accepting ourselves and the world around us exactly as it is. We learn that conflicts are a part of reality and learn to be grateful for them. We learn new ways to resolve conflicts instead of running from them. We begin to simplify them and we actually look upon them with gratitude as opportunities for progress. They are a part of the real world. We learn to handle problems, not to solve them. Everyone has situations; we have tended to make them problems, like making a mountain out of a mole hill. We really don't have any brilliant answers or solutions, but we can honestly say that this program works! We can stay clean and even enjoy life, remembering, "just for today" and not picking up that first fix, pill, drink, or joint.

The rewards of staying clean are endless. We used to think life would be boring without drugs. We were really screwed up in our addictions and our concept of what life was really all about. Now that everything is changing and getting better, we give thanks to God and the N.A. program. One member shares that reality is the biggest trip of all.

We become aware that many of our feelings were immature and based upon pride and ego. As we become more comfortable with ourselves, we appreciate more fully the meaning of living just for today. We get over the guilt of the past and the worries of the future. We enjoy the now: we learn to endure both pain and pleasure. We endure frustration for we know that it will pass. We rid ourselves of absolutes, such as success or failure, and begin to enjoy doing things for the fun of it, rather than shying away because we are not perfect.

Interpersonal relationships improve and we become less sensitive and suspicious. Understanding the meaning of love, recognizing that we are growing from an immature need for love" to a mature "giving of love", allows us to care about others.

We are not responsible for our disease. We are responsible for our recovery.  We can seek help from others who are enjoying lives free from having to use. In time, we find that more is possible in recovery than we could conceive. Our teachability hinges on our ability to admit our need for help. This surrender is the beginning of the basic learning experience that gives us information on our disease and recovery. Life is a learning experience. As we begin to apply what we have learned, our lives begin to change for the better.

No one completely understands this process, but thank God we do not have to understand it for it to work. We learn not to question the ways of God. Instead we look into our actions. Writing down our belief has always helped many of us examine our feelings. If we have trouble expressing our belief or writing it down, it is helpful to make sure we have worked Step One. The ego deflation of Step One generally opens minds. Faith is the key. It takes a firm belief in a loving God before we can possibly begin to turn our wills and lives over to His care.  In Narcotics Anonymous, we have found that a spiritual experience is necessary to arrest our addiction. This occurs as we rely on God as we understand Him. The Twelve Steps chart the course to individual recovery; from the hazy days of initial surrender to the various levels of spiritual awakening.

We get relief through the Twelve Steps, and sharing with trusted friends. We love them and believe in the promise and hope that they offer.  Following the Steps, living just for today, we can maintain an attitude that is essential for us to grow. We move forward in the program, and we are comforted by the Steps. They are suggested only, but they are the principles that made our recovery possible. All of the Twelve Steps are essential to the recovery process, simply because they help us to participate in our own recovery. By the grace of God, our actual participation in recovery provides the health we need to respond to life and to arrest the disease of addiction. We are grateful that God provided the steps and that they have been proven as a means to arrest our disease.

If we find ourselves in trouble with our recovery after some time clean, we usually have stopped doing one or more of the things that helped us in the earlier stages of our recovery. This can show up as an unexplainable depression or disorientation. It is really related to a poor spiritual condition and can be remedied by an ongoing application of the Twelve Steps of recovery.

From "day one", the Twelve Steps started becoming a part of our lives. At first, we were filled with negativity, and we only allowed the First Step to take hold. Today, we have less fear of going insane or using, than we once did. We realize that those old feelings and fears were a product of our disease, and that real freedom is possible for us now. In time, we lost most of the fear that had us completely within its grasp and we learned to let go of guilt.

Our old ways were so self-destructive and egocentric, we hurt ourselves and those we loved. Learning a new way of living is a blessing from our Higher Power, giving us the ability to explore and discover through feelings. We thank our Higher Power for the love that we receive. We find the road sometimes long and weary, but we keep on finding miracles as we go.

The program recommends that we lower the demands on ourselves so that we can achieve our daily goals. It is also recommended that we don't go overboard and swamp ourselves with a bunch of new responsibilities just because we succeeded in handling a few basics. That way, we experience success at a basic and acceptable level.

Now that we are in N.A. we have a new outlook on being clean. We enjoy a feeling of release and freedom from the desire to use. We find that everyone we meet has something to offer. We are free to receive as well as to give. Opening these doors and entering them becomes a new adventure in living. Letting go of old ideas and entertaining the new ones brings us to this new way of life. We will know happiness, joy, and freedom. Life is not just a glum lot.

An attitude of gratitude permeates us. With gratitude, clean time is happy and joyous. We remain grateful for all the beautiful things this program has revealed to us.

Our experience revealed that the things we are not grateful for could be taken from us. As long as we didn't have something, it would seem wonderful and we would often think if we just had so and so we would be happy. Occasionally, we would have our prayers answered only to find the rich feelings of satisfaction and comfort beyond our grasp. We can see today that in reality we were taking a lot for granted by failing to be consciously thankful for that which God and life had already provided for us. There exists no model of the recovered addict. When the drugs go and the addict works the program, wonderful things happen. Lost dreams awaken and new possibilities spring.

How many times have we heard something over and over again, until it finally takes root and blossoms. With each meeting we attend, seeds planted in earlier meetings are watered until we can see them grow to harvest. This harvest is a form of spiritual growth. Through listening to the experiences of others and putting the program into action, life becomes beautiful, pleasant, and very exciting! Laughter is a common part of our day. Smiling doesn't hurt anymore, and we can finally look others in the eye and be grateful who we are.

Being willing to grow spiritually is the direction that keeps us buoyant today. When we take the action indicated in the steps, the result is a healing of our distorted personalities. It is the action that is important, not the result. We leave all results to God. God presents the opportunity that heals our disease spiritually. After clearing up the superficial wreckage, it is necessary to continue applying the principles in order to get to the roots of our disorder.